I once had a family!


U will say so what?Everybody does.
The difference is this was a family i chose- a sister i loved dearly, a father i cared for, gay uncles who meant much to me, a cousin who was my partner in crime and a grandpa i respected more than anything.


Yeah, maybe i messed it up. I would very much like to apply my new found principle of osho which supports doing what the heart wants and attribute all failed relations as mere casualties of my free will and it's doings.


And yeah that is what i do.Usually.


Except at times when i wallow in loathing and anger , i blame myself. and certain others to some extent.


But probably the use of past tense in characterizing those relations is not utterly justified, remnants remain. Like vestigeal organs. Not dead but useless burdens to oneself.


I can live without them, but i choose not to.


I just put on my bulletproof vest and close the windows.
I'll see you soon in a telescope lens.

salmon fishing in the yemen

A few days back i was reading magic seeds by naipaul and i was touched by the strange subject matter of the book, still at times i had to struggle to complete it for the book took me on a journey through the mere mundane into a rather profound realisation, too profound for my tastes it seemed. The next book i had from bcl was salmon fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday, it was a random pick-up from the library that i had just thought of trying for a change from Kureishi, Kundera and such big names. Surprisingly enough, i loved the book and found it to be considerably gripping...i actually had trouble to put it down even to go to bed ( rather a surprising act for a person like me if not a rare one).


The theme of the book is rather simple...it is belief, hope or in the words of the author faith!


It starts off with a Yemeni resident, a big-shot-crammed-with-money sheikh coming to Scotland and trying to start a project involving the breeding of the salmon fish in the deserts of Yemen to start off the popular sport of fishing there. He employs an attractive manager named Harriet and a fisheries scientist Dr. Alfred Jones for the same. It is through this interesting and seemingly impossible attempt that Jones, the protagonist, learns to believe . He sees a way out of his loveless marriage, falls for the immensely attractive engaged-to-be-married Harriet and starts to see himself of having some value, some worth in life that earlier he used to measure with the yardstick of his publications on some larvae fish thing.


There are like a thousand things that i loved about this book, one is this entire idea of faith, hope and love ; also the political angle to this entire fishing affair that the scottish politicians saw was amazingly brought out, For one, the mental picture that   the Scots had of the prime minister holding a freshly caught salmon in the deserts of Yemen, engineered by the brains of their own instead of a war torn, blown up into bits image of middle eastern countries with the help of their troops exuded confidance in them and helped to strengthen their goodwill. 


I was struck by the simplicity of it all.One picture, worth so many words.


So the entire project due to it's potential political mileage was trapped into a whirlpool of  whimsical profit-seeking bouts of government intervention. 


So one man's belief in divine intervention, faith in Him motivated an atheist logical minded scientist to believe, not necessarily in God or some religious bullcrap, but rather in oneself...the entire story at some point ceased to be just a mere fiction borne out of one's imagination and became the story of Fred's journey to find himself...to understand the true value of love and companionship he so took for granted till then.


In the Sheikh's words the silver fishes glistening in the water were capable of making a change, even in human beings!

chuck lorre and i :)

"I believe I've spent my life expecting people to behave in a certain way. I believe that when they didn't behave according to my expectations, I became angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful. I believe these expectations are the reason I've been angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful more than I care to admit. As a result, I now believe my expectations are the real problem. I believe that everyone has this very same problem, and they ought to start acting accordingly."


chuck lorre production.

love woes

Falling in love is amazing.One has tiny butterflies flying up and down, in circles and all whenever the prospect of a simple conversation arises. Even a simple look or a slight brush of the hand creates a flurry of the entire mind surprisingly to a degree that makes one go kind of woozy and unstable on her feet.

Now that i think about it being in love is also fascinating, After all when else do those circumstances present themselves that one is absolutely for no reason compelled to leave behind a half finished macro internal, thereby leaving her marks at the utter mercy of the professor inspite of slogging like a pig over the syllabus earlier and for what?here comes the best part...just to see the person in formals( as if it was equivalent to a never to occur phenomena occuring, like that of pigs flying for instance).

But no matter how thrilling or enjoyable the entire business of love be, very soon one gets to realise that it was actually the idea of being in love that had taken precedence over the love with the individual. The person rather becomes somewhat interchangeable even at times expendable, it is that desire...that vision of being madly in love with someone that counts.One thinks for a short while so what?? it is still love what matters and desperately tries to grasp on to the vestigeal remains of long wasted and withered away vision. Funny how things turn out to be.

And ultimately no matter how many days, months  or years it may take to reach on the point of this divine realisation, the time comes for goodbyes. Sometimes it is gentlemanly and sometimes messy. Well no matter what form it assumes it can never be a friendly affair.

It is sad!

And at times fucking awkard!

considering i am tagged and have just about nothing to write, here goes...


If I were a age, I would be: childhood
If I were a month, I would be: march
If I were a day of the week, I would be: friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: midnight
If I were a planet, I would be: saturn
If I were a season, I would be: winter
If I were a sea animal, I would be: mermaid (i have been fascinated with them since like forever)
If I were a direction, I would be: left( cuz it is the opposite of right:P)
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: an armchair
If I were a sin, I would be: desire
If I were a liquid, I would be:  mercury
If I were a gem, I would be:  emerald
If I were a tree, I would be: a tree with big white blossoms..
If I were a tool, I would be:a stapler
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: an orchid
If I were a kind of weather, I would be:chilling cold
If I were a musical instrument, I would be:violin
If I were an animal, I would be: a huge labrador named button
If I were an emotion, I would be: confusion
If I were a vegetable, I would be:  carrot
If I were a sound, I would be: laughter
If I were an element, I would be: sodium 
If I were a car, I would be: a bottle green beetle
If I were a song, I would be: you fill up my senses
If I were a food, I would be: sinful
If I were a place, I would be: high above the earth.
If I were a material, I would be: denim
If I were a taste, I would be: bitter
If I were a scent, I would be: wet earth.
If I were a religion, I would be: love
If I were a body part, I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression, I would be: a smile
If I were a subject in college, I would be: history
If I were a shape, I would be: a prism
If I were a quantity, I would be: 2
If I were a colour, I would be: black
If I were a thing, I would be: pastels.
If I were a landmass, I would be: a hill
If I were a book, I would be: beloved
If I were a monument, I would be: a lighthouse
If I were a landscape, I would be: a towering mountain with head in the clouds
If I were a watch, I would be: the big ben clock
If I were God, I would be:tolerant 
If I were a vowel, I would be: a
If I were a consonant, I would be: s
If I were a formula, I would be: H2O
If I were a Science, I would be:maths
If I were a theory, I would be: Newton's 3rd law
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be: a sound box
If I were sport, I would be: ludo( considering that is the only one i can play, very limited choices)
If I were a movie, I would be: mr and mrs iyer
If I were a cartoon, I would be: aladdin
If I were an explorer, I would be: exploring ancient sites
If I were a scientist, I would be: thomas alva edison
If I were a relation, I would be: honest
If I were a river, I would be: a soft and mellow brook, making gurgling noises along my path down the rocky mountain side
If I were intoxication, I would be: marijuana
If I were alone, I would be:lonely
If I were a question, then I would be: who?
If I were a hobby, I would be: walking unknown streets.
If I were a habit, I would be: certainly an annoying one
If I were in an atom, I would be: not visible to naked eye
If I were you, I would be: not reading this shit.

fuck it!

there is a part of me that screws up big time and leaves behind a huge mess, a part who 


constantly worries about the former one like crazy, a part who stands back silently enjoying all 


the silly drama i do manage to enact around, and lastly a part who just wants to booze and 


smoke up and not give  a shit about anyone.


i say i love this last part the most and all others who say or think otherwise can just go to fucking 


hell!  :)

my clementine

i dream of buttercups and honeybells, of smoke filled corridors and ink stains...i feel scared to open my eyes,i dread to see them vaporise before my eyes.

it has actually been a long time since i have been dying to leave this city, leave the familiarity behind and make a "brave" attempt at embracing the difficult and no so familiar life. I suddenly start to wonder what is it that makes me want to run away and be almost on the brink of hating not just my beloved, but the entire realm of ideas it stands for- comfort and home. 

I realise it is never the desire to leave behind my love who has for so many years nurtured my soul, it is the desire to break free of the bonds that i should not even attempt to untie. I find myself wanting to long, when all i find staring back is nothing. 

I want to carress, embrace my clem with all i have to offer; make her feel loved, wanted and cherished. Surprisingly so.

Yet the sunshine continues to elude me.